The Aspiration Dispersal Field
Governments and oppressive organisations have long sought to crush aspiration, and the most common method used today is the Aspiration Dispersal Field. The ADF was discovered by professor Nathaniel Butler, the lead scientist for the controversial Mind Reader experiments of the 1960s. The discovery was serendipitous, as nobody had realised that such a field was possible, but as soon as the possibilities were realised, ADF development was made a project in its own right.
The first full scale tests were carried out in the North West town of Skelmersdale in the early 1970s. An ADF generator was placed in a disused mineshaft, and the resulting Aspiration Dispersal Field was conducted via a network of stone monoliths that were situated on the town's over abundant roundabouts. To disguise their purpose they were called art.
The tests were considered an outstanding success. No aspiration was detected within the town's boundaries, and on the strength of this, ADF networks were sited in uppity areas all over the country.
Unfortunately, the Skelmersdale success rate has never been duplicated, and the only effect noticed is a low subliminal hum that the hearer cannot dispel.
A reason for these disappointing results is the questionable validity of the original test subjects. Skelmersdale is a Scouse overflow town and some scientists question if they had any aspiration to begin with. (We do not hold with this view)
In short, though billions have been spent on ADF development, it doubtful that it actually works in the way it was intended. The 'hum' though, is a powerful weapon of oppression in its own right.
The Frindsbury Cosh
If the ASD does not crush aspiration, there are two methods that definitely do. Both techniques were pioneered in Strood, and both techniques are proven to work. The most brutal - though not the most effective - is the Frindsbury cosh. The Cosh was developed by Bob Bastard, the Frindsbury born councillor, who robbed Strood blind in the 60s and 70s. Fearful of voter anger, he launched a campaign of forced apathy upon the voting public. His technique was simple.
Those who had caused him trouble were lured into the Tug and Shovel public house where they were rendered unconscious with 12 pints of Stella and 7 packets of pork scratchings.
They were then dragged into a back room where all ambition was removed from the body cavity by a large suction syringe. When all aspiration was removed, the lymphatic system was then filled with large doses of, 'sweet fuck all', 'who cares', and, 'why give a toss'. The results were an outstanding success and Bob Bastard was re-elected, unopposed.
The Violent Poetic Enema
But Bob Bastard was not safe. His downfall came from a more sinister group, the secretive SPS - full name - Strood Poetical Society. The SPS had spent five years composing a poem of mass destruction. Its aim was to rip all hope and dreams from anyone who heard it. The cleverly composed stanza fired a volley of decoy verses, whilst the despairing underlying metaphor invaded the cerebrum, rounded up all goals, wishes and dreams, and dumped them in the pit of stomach. On the final verse, the meter generated a sonic reverberation, which caused the stomach to swell, then ejected all the gathered aspirations in a violent poetic enema.
It was recited 1976 - recited once - and recited for one purpose only - the destruction of Chatham.
Strood had suffered a terrible defeat. The Chatham boys had given Strood a good kicking and Strood wanted revenge. The order was given for the destructive recital. A young poet of good Strood stock stood on the green near Frindsbury quarry and recited the poem over river and towards Chatham. His hearing was defended, and the poem amplified through directional speakers. No one in Strood heard it, though all of Chatham did. The effect was devastating as thousands of Chatham Chavvies excreted all their hopes and desires in a mass poetic enema.
But then, as so often happens, came poetic justice.
The despairing verses hit the hills of Great Lines, bounced over to the Conney Banks, and echoed back over the river and into Strood itself. The Stroodies suffered the same fate. All dreams, hopes and goals were poetically excreted.
And Bob Bastard suffered too. Bereft of all desires he gave up politics, and bought a house in Snodland, where still lives to this day.
A generation later and aspiration is still destroyed. The Strood Poetical Society couldn't be arsed to write down the poem and so it is lost for ever. Scholars have tried to reproduce it but with little success. The best attempts were made by Father Pogging, the padre of the Strood Poetical Society. He used a clever combination of guilt and alliteration, and though these verse are depressing, they do not have the destructive powers of the original poem.
The most soul destroying literature in the world today is the 'Bell Jar' by Sylvia Plath. It is depressing, soul destroying and spirit sapping, but it is nothing compared to poetic enema of the Strood Poetical Society.
We mourn its loss.
Hula Fuq Cares
FRITZ & TOMMY
THE BALLBAG PAPERS