Boncy Ballbag, The Funniest Man Alive

Boy A few decades ago - in Strood - there used to be a distinctive character called Boncy Ballbag. He was a big man, tough looking and was recognisable by his mop of blonde curly hair. They say he was a gypsy, and he certainly dressed like one, wearing a red neckerchief, and a battered trilby. He also wore two earrings, one in each ear, which in those days was a rarity. The earrings gave him a tough, bohemian look, but what really made him look tough was the bottle scar on his cheek. And though Boncy looked tough and could look after himself, he was actually a very moral man who hated bullies. He was also a comedian. He gigged locally and rarely went outside of the Medway Towns. He also had a residency at the Club Rowland, where he was compare, comedian and sometimes bouncer. The Club Rowland was in Strood and was a casino and drinking den.

A Scary Man

When I first saw Boncy he scared the life out of me. I was a small boy and I saw him coming over Rochester bridge smoking a cigar. I was with my Mum and we were walking towards him. He stopped as we approached, and to my horror my Mum started talking to him. He spoke with a gruff voice, laughed a lot and swore a lot. My mother didn't seem to mind, which surprised me because she was always going on at my Dad for swearing. They chatted for a few minutes until he terminated it by telling my Mum a very rude joke. The punchline was wasted on me, I was far too young, but my mother nearly died of laughter. I had never seen her laugh so much in my life. I was shocked and a bit worried. She actually dropped to her knees and clutched her stomach. Tears streamed from her eyes. Eventually she managed to calm herself and we continued over the bridge towards the castle.

And a Funny Man

I asked her who the man was. She told me, in between giggles, that she used to go to school with him, and that he was always funny, and that his name was Boncy. She paused for a few seconds, giggled and then let loose and enormous guffaw. "Boncy Ballbag!" she screamed, and broke down again, quivering with laughter.

I saw him a few times after that. He was always walking around the towns in his big overcoat, or drinking tea in the Parlour, a small cafe next to the Club Roland. He was of those characters that belonged to Strood.

A Stag Show Comic

Years later, when I was working in the [Chatham] Dockyard, I overheard a couple of Boilermakers talking about him. They'd been to a Stag Show - strippers and blue comedians - and Boncy Ballbag had been the compare. They were both talking about Boncy, and how they had laughed so much that their stomachs were still hurting. He was by all accounts one of the funniest and rudest comedians around.

Ben Elton

I never heard much of him after that. The Club Rowland closed down. Ben Elton killed the old-time comics and Boncy's style of humour went out of fashion. I assumed that he retired.

The Eagle Tavern

Years later, when I was in my forties, I met him in a pub in Rochester. I was with Sean Ridgeway, and we were drinking in the Eagle. It was the afternoon and there were only three of us in the bar. We didn't know who the old man in the corner was and didn't really care. He came over to us to ask us for a light. Ridgeway gave him one. He lit his cigar and stayed with us at the bar. We were a bit apprehensive at first, he looked like a tramp. We thought he was going to talk a load of rubbish. But it was obvious that he was very knowledgeable and intelligent. Eventually Sean Ridgeway mentioned that he was comedian and that he had a residency in a small comedy club in Soho. The old man said that he knew who Ridgeway was and that he'd seen Ridgeway a couple of times. Ridgeway was surprised and flattered.

Boncy Ballbag

It was then that we realised who the old man was. He was smaller than he used to be and no longer had the mop of blonde curly hair, but he still had the earrings and neckerchief and was wearing a battered trilby. To be honest he looked a bit like Albert Steptoe.

Comedy

My brother and Boncy stated talking about comedy. Ridgeway sort of mentioned that he didn't approve of that old style sexist-racist humour. Boncy didn't disagree, but said that that alternative just wasn't funny. Ridgeway said that the racist jokes weren't funny. "Some things are wrong," said Boncy."But funny."

Funny - But Wrong

He then told us a joke. It was one of the most offensive I have ever heard and I didn't want to laugh, and I know Ridgeway didn't, but we couldn't help ourselves. And he told another and another, and he kept on telling them, and we couldn't stop laughing, and we laughed so much that we both thought our stomachs were going to explode. We were in pain, we couldn't breath, Ridgeway was on the floor begging him to stop. The barman dropped a glass he was laughing so much. And still Boncy Ballbag told us jokes. In the end he stopped. He looked down on us, because we had both collapsed. He smiled and said nothing. We took about five minutes to recover and get up.

"Some things are wrong," said Boncy. "But Funny."

Boncy Found Hanged

And that was the last I saw of Boncy Ballbag, until I read in the paper, a few months later, that he had hanged himself in his flat. I phoned up my brother and we both recalled the day that he nearly killed us with rude jokes.

And I thought that was the end of it. But earlier this year I was mooching around in junk shop in Strood. I found a box of obscure magazines about the Secret Judo Society and decided to buy them. But the proprietor, a cranky sort of bloke, insisted that I would have take the whole box which had a lot of other rubbish with it. I agreed, he wasn't going to charge me any more, and I could bin the crap when I got home.

The crap was about twenty or so A4 writing pads. They were hardback, and every one was written in. There was also a few old photos and couple of old reel-to-reel audio tapes. I opened the first writing pad and flicked back to the first page.

It read: Diary, Boncy Ballbag, 1967.