An Interview with Hobo Rex - A time Travelling Hobo
Sliding Van Door - the King of the Hoboes - has been spotted in Chatham, taking photographs, despite having died in a car crash on Blue Bell Hill in 1984. This interesting character was well known in the Medway Towns during the '60s,'70s and '80s, but is now largely forgotten, due to the Great Mind Sweep of 1987. For those who can't remember, and the Great Mind Sweep means that you never will, this took place soon after the last Aveling and Porter Robot was scrapped. The authorities, mindful of missing memories, set the THE MIND READER to install new ones. This was done via a concentrated psychoscopic negation beam that was propagated to the general populace via a network of government Mind Mirrors.
I interviewed Mr Van Door in The Jolly Knight in Rochester last week, and asked why he has come back to the towns despite being dead for the past 25 years. Here is that interview in full:
SR: Why have you come back to the towns despite being dead for the last 25 years?
SVD: I didn't die in 1984... I was experimenting in Time Travel... A mechanical process... I destroyed a lot of cars that way.
SR: It must have been very expensive.
SVD: Not really, I stole most of them. I caused most of the burnt-out cars that were found in Cobham Woods.
SR: They removed 99 cars from the woods recently.
SVD: Yes - the Higham Institute wanted them. They're always interested in chronological transportation methods. They can't do it though. You have to have the right kind of liver. Not every one can Time Travel. You have to be a very heavy drinker and smoker.
SR: Why's that?
SVD: The chemical changes caused from alcohol and tobacco changes the liver on a quantum level. It's the reason why drunks see things differently to everyone else - they're not out of their minds they are out of their 'world'. If you develop a circular growth, known as a Mond, on your liver, you will either die, or implode. The implosion often shunts you into another time zone. When I imploded in 1984, I ended up in 1967!
SR: What did you do in 1967?
SVD: Lots of things. I got a job as a maths teacher at The Math School. I was charged with murder but was acquitted. I translated a 1667 Dutch diary into English. I had a series of adventures with a little fat guy called Roffen Wheel. Do you know Roffen Wheel?
SR: Yes, I knew him, he was about a lot in the 90s. He exploded in Canal Road two years ago and all that was left of him was his foot! Apparently he was so unhappy about the smoking ban that he instantaneously combusted! He was only about 40 at the time. Hey ... That means ... You could never have known him in 1967!
SVD: When I met him he only had one foot! Apparently it got left behind when he travelled to 1967.
SR: What did he do in 1967?
SVD: As I said, we had some adventures. I'm a Time Hobo, and I like to travel about a bit. We caused the American Civil War to start 98 years before it should've done, and got into scrapes in Tasmania. Unfortunately some one shot Roffen in July 1967 and every one thought I did it. They said we were lovers. But I'm not gay, okay! I was a hobo in California in the 40s and some of those journeys were long and boring, and we would... Anyway that doesn't matter... I'm not gay!
SR: This is 2009. No one gives a shit! So who did kill Roffen?
SVD: No one knows, its one of the great mysteries of all time. Next you'll be asking my why J.J. Blackbird was stabbed in 1982! Not my fault it was same spot as Roffen Wheel! It's probably something to do with The Higham Institute. They were building THE MIND READER machine you know. Anyway - It has something to do with the Smoking Ban.
SR: Why do you say that?
SVD: I've been to the future, I know what happens to smokers in the future. They have their bodies confiscated. The Doctors that rule the World [in that time] decreed that smokers were not worthy of medical treatment and are dangerous role models to our children. As a result all smokers were handed over to the authorities for medical experimentation so that than can be of service to humanity. Only useful people get to live in the future. I think killing Roffen and JJ allowed the Smoking ban to take place, which ultimately lead to the Rule of The Doctors. Democracy was replaced by Doctorcracy in 2035.
SR : Is it true that you were crowned King of the Hoboes in the 1940s
SVD: I held the title Hobo Rex California from 1947 to 1953. I got stuck in that time period and ended up in California. I knew about bumming, I'd been an hobo in the 1850s, and travelled all over the deep south. That's how I met John Brown and ended up shooting all those people. Caused the American Civil War you know! I shouldn't have come to the Medway Towns in the 60s. The MIND READER must have scanned me and they realised how dangerous Roffen was. So they shot him!
SR: I knew Roffen. He was just a harmless fat drunk. How could he be a danger to anyone?
SVD: Roffen just enjoyed himself. He was of no use to Society, nor any use to the Economy. And he weren't any use the military either! He was a hard core pacifist. That's why he was shot. Pacifists - real pacifists - always get shot. Ghandi, Lennon, King and Wheel ... They were all shot. The Social-Industrial-Military Complex had him shot because he believed that he owned himself ... And that what he did to himself, was his business! That is the most dangerous idea in the world! ... Also, he was radiating LOVE in a very dangerous way. That's why the Summer of 1967 was called the Summer of Love. When they shot Roffen a benign gas was released which caused the Love Revolution to fail. If those hippies had concentrated on Love instead of drugs we could have started a Golden Age! ... Instead they started a Brown Age. The Age of Shit!
SR: So... Are you staying long in the Medway Towns?
SVD: Well yes and no. I'm staying in the Medway towns but going back to '81. I'm going to meet Roffen and JJ to see if we can prevent them getting killed. Actually, I'm coming here, to this place. But in '81 it's called The Real Ale Bar. I think you're going to be there. A lot younger of course!
With that, Sliding Van Door left to go the toilet. He never came back. There was a loud bang and a small fire was found in one of the cubicles. On the floor, near the bog, was a big toe! I've kept it for prosperity.
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